one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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