I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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