well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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