So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
