Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
