yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
