because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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