I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
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you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
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Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...