Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag