she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux