I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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