we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
