I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
