There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
