He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
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