so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
