Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
