I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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