Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
