I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
