He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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