Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
