Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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