My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
