Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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