Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
