So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
