After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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