Your face is a jimmy john
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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