do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
