Moan for me like Helen Keller
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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