i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
