Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
