I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
