i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
