3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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