in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
