I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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