After last night, I could never be a politician.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
