i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
