there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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