just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
