I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
