By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
