I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
