Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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