Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
