she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
