Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
