Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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