I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Houston, we have a squirter
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My vagina is officially offended.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
