I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
