I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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