he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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