And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
His nipple licking is glorious
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
