I am puke
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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