you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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