We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
