I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
