watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Mom said you looked used
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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