I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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