I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
