How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
