hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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