I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
