Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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